A KLEIN BOTTLE HAT?
Snuggle your head -- and everything within it -- inside a warm wool Klein Bottle Hat.
Complete with matching Mobius Scarf!
Pop an Acme Klein Bottle on your head!
It's ideal for skiing, sleigh-rides, snowball fights, midwinter colloquia, Antarctic beach parties, and alpine chess tournaments. A perfect gift for anyone with a zero-volume head. An important accessory to the one-sided mind. An essential headwarmer for your non-orientable friends who are temporarily immersed in our 3-dimensions.
This Klein Bottle is a hand knitted hat, so it's seamless and perfectly contoured. It's constructed of knit-purl-knit-purl, so the "outside" has the same pattern as the "inside". One sided? You betcha! (Purl is not to be confused with the computer language Perl, which shouldn't be confused with the oyster generated pearls)
Your Klein Bottle Hat is made of a scientifically balanced mix of 85 percent wool delicately shorn from contented Midwestern lambs, then blended with carefully selected 15 percent Mohair from grinning Angora goats in Texas (Goats have a lot to grin about in Texas). The special blend (called "Lamb's Pride" yarn) is spun and dyed in western Nebraska by Brown Sheep Company, yarn-makers of high repute.
Each Acme Klein Bottle Hat is lovingly hand knit by a team of professional knitters, who spend their winter evenings carefully constructing these manifolds using time proven 4-needle and circular needle techniques. Acme's dedicated knitters include several smiling grandmothers, a former librarian, a nurse, and a schoolteacher. Not one of them has studied orthogonal polynomials.
Imagine the brilliant ideas you'll enjoy after wrapping a genuine Acme Klein Bottle around your brain -- one of the most useful parts of your body.
These hats are sized for regular-sized heads. But you needn't worry if you have an especially big brain: the special weave stretches to fit any size human.
Acme Klein Bottle hats do not self-intersect. This lets you turn your hat inside out, by sliding the hat inside of itself. (This transformation requires a bit of care, but works well.) In this quick cross section, notice that the loop goes right through the outer shell, without any stitching. It slides through itself!
Also available with matching Moebius Scarves - see below
Cross section of Acme's Knit Klein Bottle Hat
Klein Bottle Hat with a matching Mobius Scarf
... both for only $50.
Two - YES TWO - matching manifolds for one low price! The Moebius Scarf works symbiotically with the matching Klein Bottle Hat to keep you toasty warm. Each is one-sided, but together, they protect both your outside and your inside from the chilly winds of winter.
Thanks to the wonders of modern thermodynamics and all natural wool, Acme has designed specially matching hats and scarves which use all-natural fibers to fight against thermodynamic equilibrium and promote healthy, warm heads even when camping on cold terrestial evenings or while wading through long, run-on sentences.
The photos include objects like bananas, oranges, apples, kids, books, and a white foam mannequin head. These are to help you judge the hats' color, size, and utility. Those objects (bananas, oranges, kids, etc) do not come with the hat, although there are days when I wouldn't mind sending off the kids...
Each hat and scarf is made from real wool from genuine sheep. Three different color combinations allow you to match your manifold to your mood! Ready for same day shipping to you or your best friend. Just $50 keeps your head, neck, and shoulders snug and warm ... at a lower cost than a single-payer public health care system!
<- click on a photo to enlarge|
<- click on the photo to enlarge - OH! My knitters now make hats & scraves which have the same black/gray/white, but substituted in the pattern Gray for Black, and Black for Gray. These look almost the same: the scarf has two gray bands and one central black band; the hat has a larger gray band and a smaller black bands. (that is, the hat goes White-Gray-Black-Gray-Black-Gray). So the colors will be the same as the photo, but the patterns will be reversed. Thanks! -Cliff
Warm in the winter? Yes, indeed! They may be single-sided but they're double-walled, so your head enjoys twice the insulation of a standard ski-hat. There's two layers of wool between your head and that cruel winter wind. Works down to minus 40 degrees (F or C, your choice) !
Exclusive features of your Acme's Klein Bottle Hat:
- Available in universally attractive color combinations - specially chosen to be visible during daylight.
- Genus 1 ... so there's exactly one topological hole. You can secure this hat with a Kryptonite Lock. Other hats, being genus zero, can't be locked.
- Stretchable ribbing allows this Klein Bottle hat to fit all sizes of heads. Keeps your ears warm, too!
- Unscientifically tested at Acme's Winter Proving Grounds in Buffalo, New York.
- Easy to clean, as you need only wash one side.
- Zero topological volume ... fits in your pocket when not in use.
- Reversible! You can wear it with the loop pointing forwards, backwards, sidewards, or even downwards. Astonish the skeptics.
- Built in handle for enhanced portability - you can carry it on your head or hold it in your hand.
- Weighs less than 145 grams (5.2 ounces) -- lighter on your head than a Canadian Goose.
- You can turn this hat inside-out, although it's kinda difficult to squeeze the bottom through the narrow loop.
- Unbreakable in normal use. Won't fracture, even if dropped onto a concrete floor. Works indoors and out!
- Perfectly flexible, just as semi-metric topological manifolds oughta be.
- Conserve scarce energy - wear one of these and turn off your furnace.
- Featured (with a photograph) in the 29 December 2001 issue of New Scientist
- Wrinkle resistant. Unlike people, wool sheds wrinkles and returns to its natural shape after a day's rest.
- Protected by Acme's Unconditional Guarantee
- Covered by Acme's Lifetime Guarantee: We guarantee that you will live your entire lifetime.
Handwash in cool water, using a natural fiber shampoo. Don't use harsh detergents, bleach, or fuming nitric acid. Pat dry between towels - don't machine wash and don't machine dry. Never needs ironing, which is a good thing, considering that few mathematicians own irons (ever notice the rumpled suits at colloquia?).
Thank you for visiting Acme Klein Bottle's Topotopia