We at Acme Klein Bottle strive to create the finest nonorientable surfaces and hope that you will be satisfied with your new Acme manifold. For this reason, we are pleased to offer this UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE complete with these conditions:
- We unconditionally guarantee your Acme Klein Bottle to be free of any defects in workmanship or workwomanship for a period of ONE YEAR following purchase. If you aren't satisfied with your Acme Klein Bottle -- for any reason -- just return it for a refund or replacement. You pick up shipping charges.
- We guarantee safe arrival. If your Klein Bottle arrives broken, call or send email and we will immediately send a replacement.
- We slightly guarantee your Klein Bottle for THREE MONTHS against any cracks or breakage, whether due to earthquakes, clumsy undergrads, or greasy fingers. Just mail us a fragment and $10, and we will send a replacement.
- We warrant each Acme Klein Bottle for a period of FIVE YEARS to be absolutely free of any magnetic monopoles. If you discover one, contact us immediately and we will refund your purchase price right after claiming the Nobel Prize.
- Furthermore, we guarantee for TEN YEARS that any polyhedron spanning your unbroken Acme Klein Bottle will have about as many edges as the sum of its vertices plus faces.
- We further warrant for ONE MILLION YEARS that within a Euclidean plane, the square of a right triangle's hypotenuse will equal the sum of the squares of the two remaining legs.
We do honor our warranty: A Los Angeles math teacher (Loma Linda Academy) recently wrote, "Much to my dismay, my Klein Bottle unsuccessfully tried to leap into two-dimensional space..." She sent a fragment of a broken bottle, and we immediately shipped a brand new Klein Bottle to her. Of course, it helped that she enclosed a crisp $10 bill.
June 7, 2000: After several years of selling Klein Bottles, Acme has finally received a return. The guy didn't say why he wanted his money back, but after 2 months, he sent his manifold back, so Acme's Department of Adjustments, Ameliorations, and Aluminum Anacondas airmailed him a check for 40 bucks.
December 18, 2003: A Klein Bottle broke in Texas. We sent out a replacement the same day.
April 10, 2008: Yikes - can a Klein Bottle get lost? Apparently one did, in the mail. I sent a replacment out immedately.
October 2, 2013: A package was returned with a cracked Klein bottle - the mathematician wants a replacement. No problem - sending it out t'morrow morning.
ACME ... YOUR ZERO VOLUME MANIFOLD DISTRIBUTOR