Conditions of ACME's Unconditional Guarantee

We at Acme Klein Bottle strive to create the finest nonorientable surfaces and hope that you will be satisfied with your new Acme manifold. For this reason, we are pleased to offer this UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE complete with these conditions:

• We unconditionally guarantee your Acme Klein Bottle to be free of any defects in workmanship or workwomanship for a period of ONE YEAR following purchase. If you aren't satisfied with your Acme Klein Bottle -- for any reason -- just return it for a refund or replacement. You pick up shipping charges.
• We guarantee safe arrival. If your Klein Bottle arrives broken, call or send email and we will immediately send a replacement.
• We slightly guarantee your Klein Bottle for THREE MONTHS against any cracks or breakage, whether due to earthquakes, clumsy undergrads, or greasy fingers. Just mail us a fragment and $10, and we will send a replacement.
• We warrant each Acme Klein Bottle for a period of FIVE YEARS to be absolutely free of any magnetic monopoles. If you discover one, contact us immediately and we will refund your purchase price right after claiming the Nobel Prize.
• Furthermore, we guarantee for TEN YEARS that any polyhedron spanning your unbroken Acme Klein Bottle will have about as many edges as the sum of its vertices plus faces.
• We further warrant for ONE MILLION YEARS that within a Euclidean plane, the square of a right triangle's hypotenuse will equal the sum of the squares of the two remaining legs.

In addition, Acme's provides this exclusive LIFETIME GUARANTEE: We guarantee that you will live your entire lifetime, or double your money back.

 

Acme's unconditional guarantee has the condition that we do not warrant any Klein bottle against the actions of cats, ferrets, or axolotls. We will NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE for any incidents relating to these beasts of burden whatsoever in any form or spatial dimension.

 

 

All other warranties, express and implied, are null and void except during total solar eclipses. Purchaser shall have the option at his, hers, or its sole discretion, to try to collect on this guarantee. Guarantee void if a substantial portion of the Klein bottle leaks into the 4th dimension. The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.

 

We do honor our warranty: A Los Angeles math teacher (Loma Linda Academy) recently wrote, "Much to my dismay, my Klein Bottle unsuccessfully tried to leap into two-dimensional space..." She sent a fragment of a broken bottle, and we immediately shipped a brand new Klein Bottle to her. Of course, it helped that she enclosed a crisp $10 bill.

 

Dateline Brunswick, Maine: July 15, 1999. A Mathematics Department in an unmentioned college discovered a crack in their Acme Klein Bottle, apparently due to partial delamination of silicon dioxide bonds. The departmental secretary reported this incident to Acme's Bureau of Broken Bottles, which initiated a high-level investigation. After a departmental check arrived for $10, a new manifold immediately appeared at the aforeunmentioned Academic Institution, hand-delivered by a uniformed deliveryperson.

 

Acme's guarantee works even in the Southern Hemisphere. On August 3, 1999, an Australian mathematician noticed a crack in the bottom of his Acme Klein Bottle, apparently from the shock in an already dimensionally impoverished device suddenly coming to terms a reversal of the Coriolis force during shipping. Acme's trained troupe of topological troglodytes quickly shipped him a new Klein Bottle, with no questions asked.

June 7, 2000: After several years of selling Klein Bottles, Acme has finally received a return. The guy didn't say why he wanted his money back, but after 2 months, he sent his manifold back, so Acme's Department of Adjustments, Ameliorations, and Aluminum Anacondas airmailed him a check for 40 bucks.

July 15, 2001: Yikes! An Klein Bottle cracked in transit. Two hours after the crack was discovered in Ames, Iowa, Acme's trained crew of Topological Troglodytes had sent a replacment. Result: a happy mid-western mathematician.

December 18, 2003: A Klein Bottle broke in Texas. We sent out a replacement the same day.

April 10, 2008: Yikes - can a Klein Bottle get lost? Apparently one did, in the mail. I sent a replacment out immedately.

 

Click here to see the wide selection of Klein Bottles in our finite but unbounded warehouse.

 

ACME ... YOUR ZERO VOLUME MANIFOLD DISTRIBUTOR