We at Acme Klein Bottle strive to create the finest nonorientable surfaces and hope that you will be satisfied with your new Acme manifold. We are pleased to offer this UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE complete with these conditions:
In addition, Acme provides this exclusive LIFETIME GUARANTEE: We guarantee that you will live your entire lifetime, or double your money back.
- I unconditionally guarantee your Acme Klein Bottle to be free of any defects in workmanship or workwomanship or workitsmanship or workgenderindeterminiteship for a period of ONE YEAR following purchase. If you aren't satisfied with your Acme Klein Bottle -- for any reason -- just return it for a refund or replacement. You pick up shipping charges.
- I guarantee safe arrival. If your Klein Bottle arrives broken, call or send email and I will immediately send a replacement.
- I slightly guarantee your Klein Bottle for THREE MONTHS against any cracks or breakage, whether due to earthquakes, clumsy undergrads, or greasy fingers. Just mail us a fragment and $10, and we will send a replacement.
- I warrant each Acme Klein Bottle for a period of FIVE YEARS to be absolutely free of all magnetic monopoles. If you discover one, I will refund your purchase price right after you receive the Nobel Prize.
- Furthermore, Acme guarantees for TEN YEARS that any polyhedron spanning your unbroken Acme Klein Bottle will have about as many edges as the sum of its vertices plus faces.
- Acme further warrants for ONE MILLION YEARS that within a Euclidean plane, the square of a right triangle's hypotenuse will equal the sum of the squares of the two remaining legs OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
We do honor our warranty: A Los Angeles math teacher (Loma Linda Academy) recently wrote, "Much to my dismay, my Klein Bottle unsuccessfully tried to leap into two-dimensional space..." She sent a fragment of a broken bottle, and we immediately shipped a brand new Klein Bottle to her. Of course, it helped that she enclosed a crisp $10 bill.
Acme's guarantee works even in the Southern Hemisphere. On August 3, 1999, an Australian mathematician noticed a crack in the bottom of his Acme Klein Bottle, apparently from the shock in an already dimensionally impoverished device suddenly coming to terms a reversal of the Coriolis force during shipping. Acme's trained troupe of topological troglodytes quickly shipped him a new Klein Bottle, with no questions asked.
June 7, 2000: After several years of selling Klein Bottles, Acme has finally received a return. The guy didn't say why he wanted his money back, but after 2 months, he sent his manifold back, so Acme's Department of Adjustments, Ameliorations, and Aluminum Anacondas airmailed him a check for 40 bucks.
December 18, 2003: A Klein Bottle broke in Texas. We sent out a replacement the same day.
April 10, 2008: Yikes - can a Klein Bottle get lost? Apparently one did, in the mail. I sent a replacment out immedately.
October 2, 2013: A package was returned with a cracked Klein bottle - the mathematician wants a replacement. No problem - sending it out t'morrow morning.
August 12, 2015:: Can a Klein Stein break? Apparently so. I replaced it the same day. No problem Fred.
August 18, 2018: I'm sorry that one of those Klein bottles broke, Austin. I sent the replacment immediately.
Oct 13, 2019- Andrea & Nick's Klein Stein broke a couple months after they received it (They didn't tell me how, but I suspect a canine). No problem - replaced!
March 17, 2020, A transdimensioanl postal collision resulted in a broken medium-sized Klein bottle arriving in Cleves, Ohio. After learning of this, I sent another to Nate - all's happy now!
2020 - July - 20: Amy, I"m sorry about the crack in your Klein bottle. The replacement should arrive in two days. (yes it did!)
ACME ... YOUR ZERO VOLUME MANIFOLD DISTRIBUTOR
Cliff last updated this page on a sunny
Tuesday morning, Nov 24, 2020, mainly to see if my new Mac Big Sur
operating system could reach the server. I hope.